Incoming!

I do quite like the new incarnation of GW. It's not perfect, but it's so much better than it was.

Give it time.

Anyway I've done a little guest blog to that effect.

Of course what GW should do is have the odd guest presenter and give them carte blanche to do what they want.

If they gave me a turn I would organise a Scrapheap Challenge meets It's A Knockout segment where 2 teams have to make gnome-firing bazookas and use them to destroy hanging baskets.

If the hanging baskets were full of spider-plants, even better.

One From The Archive..

From October 2007....

Garden Monkey’s Guide to the G word.

Some things are just plain wrong. Putting 'garden gnome' into Google is one of them. I'm sorry, I'm weak and fallable - it doesn't make me a bad person.

Typically I was looking for amusing and found disturbing. Yes, yes, yes, I know; gnomes and amusing go together like roast beef and custard. The only saving grace was that gnome pages/blogs do not contain cats, in the way that far too many gardening blogs do.

Anyway I did find this.

http://www.vitaminliving.com/products/gnomes/

These are apparently garden gnomes.

Can't really see it myself. I think the problem is that if you remove all traces of gnomishness, what you end up with is not a gnome.

What they do share with traditional gnomes is an excellent target opportunity for small boys.

Don't forget....

The Good - Kelmarsh House and Garden Book festival this coming Sunday.

The Bad and the Ugly- Joe Swift is on Celebrity masterchef on wednesday. Celebrity? That's bloody stretching it.

Love the photo here mind. I reckon either Jayne M is grabbing his buns, or Jan Leeming has hold of his walnuts.

Imagine being stuck in a lift with those three.

Note that poor old Joe is shown just as a "Participant" and not "Key Talent". 'Twas ever thus.

May Flies

May is a mad, fast month and gardens show this more than most anything. You turn your back on them for five minutes and all sorts of things spring up and previously inch-high growth is suddenly charging towards your waist.

Similarly Jane Owen's blog has burst into life - plenty of Chelsea stuff for those still unsated by the whole spectacle.

Jane is near to my heart since her old Times blog was influential, if not instrumental, in the beginning of my own blogging, but please don't be put off by that rather shabby compliment. Her own blog is worth reading as a kind of masterclass in blogging - crisp, succinct, ephemeral if necessary and leaving you wanting more - I reckon that if she started blogging proper-like, she could have that JAS's GMG blog crown this year (mind you asking me to guest blog might put the kybosh on that).

That said, I do reckon The Guardian blog co-operative is a shoe-in for 2009, unless Emma T sets her mind and considerable skills to the task of winning it.

Aware that I am now wittering, when I should simply have said "Jane Owen's blog eruption* is fab" I will shut up.

PS - I should add that I am aware that I have been pipped by JAS on this topic, but in my defence did draft my post last night before I fell asleep on the sofa and awoke to find that I had somehow pressed the remote and an old On The Buses film was on TV. I thought I had been transported to some inner circle of Hades, and I have only just recovered enough to tart this up and post it.

PPS - *I have only just realised that that sounds a bit salacious. Not intended I assure you.

Enjoy yourself.....

...it's later than you think.

The End is Nigh

Voting for the 2009 Fork'n Monkey awards closes in just under 6 hours folks - click on the pic to your right if you haven't voted yet.

Kew, Kew, Barley-me-grew, Crocus, Dibber, Grub.

Attention all horticultural devotees.

Fall in for the once every 250 years behind the scenes tours of Kew.

Also, please tip the guides as heavily as is possible.

What a load of pants.

When I was growing up there was an irascible old bloke in the village who did not suffer fools, nor mince his words. In case the subject of his ire was not around to be berated he took to carrying an indelible marker pen which he would use to inscribe messages at the scene of whatever had provoked his displeasure. One of his favourite was "This is the work of a ****".

This is an RHS Press Release.

Double D to jockey pants – the RHS wants them all

As part of its drive to encourage Britain’s gardeners to garden more sustainably and grow their own food, the Royal Horticultural Society is putting a call out for all unwanted bras, boxer shorts and jockey pants to be donated to its fruity summer Grow Your Own campaign.

The donated underwear, along with stock contributed by leading retailer Marks and Spencer, will be turned into a fruitful display for the ‘good life’ themed Hampton Court Palace Flower Show, open to the public from 7 - 12 July 2009. Visitors to the RHS Chelsea Flower Show (19 – 24 May 2009) will be able to place their spare (clean) undergarments in a ‘laundry basket’ located at the Show, while those who can not make it in person are asked to post their clean briefs and bras to GYO/Bras, RHS, 80 Vincent Square, London, SW1P 2PE.

Georgie Webb of the RHS, said, “Due to their conical shape, bras are ideal containers for turning into hanging baskets, and if you sew two together, you have what is best described as a ‘hanging bra-sket’. Once filled with compost you can grow salad leaves, herbs, alpine strawberries and even tumbling cherry tomatoes in them; the bigger the bra the more you can grow. But the serious message behind the ‘bra-skets’ is that you do not need a lot of space or even a lot of money to start growing your own food – just a bit of imagination.”

Following a small trial of bras donated by RHS staff last month, the UK’s leading gardening charity discovered that the non-padded, bigger cupped sizes were the best for growing in. To date the charity hasn’t had the opportunity to test out men’s underwear to the same extent but it is hoped that with some tidy sewing, they too can be turned into a container that will sport more than just radishes.

Has any woman, other than Madonna worn a conical bra since 1959?

And as for pants? They are best used to contain bollocks - much like this press release.

Who thought this wheeze up? Timmy Mallett?

Compost Corner

We used to have a teacher at school we called Compost Corner (courtesy of Tiswas), because of the overwhelming floral notes of her perfume.

Just thought I'd share that with you.

I haven't thought about her for ages.

It was rumoured that she and the Head of History were swingers.

Anyway I digress.

The post before last was a by-product of my attempts to find humour in compst.

Here's another.

Fork'n Monkey Awards 2009

Time once more, dear friends, for the silly garden blog awards.

I wasn't going to run them this year, but was persuaded by James The Hat to give them a go.

And indeed he has very generously lent a hand, for which I am grateful.

I can't help but wonder whether this isn't just a ruse on his part to further enhance his mountainous collection of awards.

But then these awards are so very rubbish, that he wouldn't stoop so low.

Would he?

Mind you he seems to think being crappier than Joe Swift at flower-arranging* a bad thing, which I'd kinda see as a badge of pride .

*Rumour is that this year Joke Swift has in mind a 20ft Wickerman floral spectacular made from couch grass roots.